The biggest piece of advice that people new to kink get is “use a safeword” – a special word to mean “no, stop”. Safewords are extremely important for most scenes, but for people who fetishise power exchange, especially those who fetishise it intensely, safewords can… get in the way. Having the power to stop play feels like too much power, and giving up that ability can be intensely alluring. Despite this, some sex educators say that you should never give up a safeword, because doing so means your consent is no longer reversible and as such is no longer true consent.
And they are correct.
True consent can be withdrawn. When you give up your safeword, you are no longer able to withdraw consent and as such you are no longer playing consensually. You are now in the realm of consensual non-consent.
In consensual non-consent, “is this consensual?” can no longer be the question you ask yourself. It’s irrelevant. True consent is impossible. A much better, and much thornier, question is “is this ethical?”.
Happily, the lessons you’ve learned through your adventures in consensual kink will help you here. Everything you know about how to communicate clearly, and read your partner’s communication, will be of use (you do know these things, right?). Your deep care and compassion for your partner’s wellbeing, and your knowledge of what may impact that wellbeing, will be invaluable (and you do have that care, yes? You do have that knowledge?).
I play without safewords a lot, because I am – to my core – a power exchange fetishist, and anything which can deepen power exchange is of great erotic interest to me. I think that a strong, sustainable, ethically rigorous framework for consensual non-consent rests on a set of shared understandings, elaborated on below. I use “bottom” to mean the person with less power, who has given up their safewords; and “top” to mean the person with more power, who has control over the scene.
Shared Understandings in Safeword Free Scenes
- Safeword free does not mean feedback free. I would be very, very cautious about playing without feedback (or communication more generally), and would be reluctant to do so for more than a minute or two at a time. The top should ensure that spontaneous feedback is possible, with any potential speech impairment foreseen and an alternate method of communication provided. If there are concerns around the bottom’s wellbeing, the top should check in. Concerns should be prompted by feedback in the most general sense, e.g. a sudden change in the bottom’s demeanour.
- It is the top’s responsibility to make appropriately stringent risk assessments and to take reasonable risk reduction measures. The bottom should provide feedback if they believe they are in danger (and if the bottom is not able to do this, the scene should be very carefully reconsidered); but the nature of consensual non-consent means that the top may overrule this. The bottom has no way of withdrawing consent from activities which may harm their long-term wellbeing, while the top has control over and is responsible for the scene’s risk factors. They should take this responsibility extremely seriously.
- The bottom has limits, and those limits have a purpose. I am assuming that the bottom has communicated in pre-scene negotiation what their limits are, and the top has taken careful note of these. The limits may be to prevent immediate distress; to prevent lasting harm; to prevent marks; or some other reason. The longer and more complex the scene, the more likely it is that something not negotiated in detail will occur during the scene (e.g. the bottom begins to cry, a condom breaks), and understanding the purpose of the bottom’s limits allows the top to decide if they can ethically proceed.
- The top will provide for the bottom’s needs. Without a safeword the bottom is unable to assert their needs physical, psychological, or medical. Both top and bottom must be confident that the bottom’s needs for aftercare, hydration, medical care, hygiene, and (in longer scenes) nutrition will be met. Depending on the duration and intensity of the scene, there should be a mutual understanding on e.g. what the bottom’s medication is and when it should be taken, if the bottom is willing to go without meals, how much time is available for aftercare, and if it all goes wrong how willing the top is to call an ambulance.
If you do not feel confident that you and your partner(s) have a strong, shared understanding of these factors, do not proceed. Stop and reconsider the scene.
Note that while the top has a huge amount of responsibility, the bottom has responsibilities too. The bottom must know themselves well enough to know what sorts of feedback they are able to provide; not only what their limits are, but why their limits are; how much aftercare they are likely to need; and so on. Much of this is about ensuring the bottom is safe and cared for, but “safe and cared for” means different things to different people – the bottom must know themselves enough to know what it means for them.
Your first safeword free scene
Whether you are playing as top or bottom, your first consensual non-consent scene should probably not be a no holds barred, 48 hour marathon. This is advanced level kink, and uncontrolled acceleration may crush you. Start small.
I suggest making your first consensual non-consent scene very boundaried in time, with inclusive limits (“only this”) rather than the more common exclusive limits (“everything apart from this”). An example could be one minute of no safeword caning on butt only, with the specific cane identified in advance; or fifteen minutes of no safeword penis-in-vagina sex. Even if you have done caning or penis-in-vagina sex with that specific partner many times, you may be surprised at how much removing safewords changes the experience.
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