Consent Is Impossible (but we should aspire to it anyway)

Consent is the bedrock of healthy sex. There are many different frameworks to consider consent in, but my personal favourite is FRIES:

• Freely given: consent is given without pressure, coercion, or manipulation
• Reversible: consent can be withdrawn at any point
• Informed: you should know what you’re consenting to
• Enthusiastic: if consent is reluctant, it is not true consent
• Specific: consent is specific to the individual activity

I think these are excellent principles and all people should keep them in mind when engaging in sex, kink, touch, and indeed many other interpersonal activities (like conversations).

I also think that in real life these principles are impossible aspirations. Let me break it down.

• Freely given: how can we define “freely given” when all people everywhere are subject to a huge array of pressures and social conditioning? Is my consent freely given if I know that if I go home with this guy I won’t have to take a two hour night bus home? Is it freely given if I have it in my head that a “good girlfriend” performs particular sex acts, and I want to be that good girlfriend? Is it freely given if I’m a sex worker, and I know that if I don’t take this client I can’t afford rent? None of this, of course, erases that we should not pressure, coerce, or manipulate our partner(s) into sex; but we should be aware that our partners are potentially subject to coercive forces that are invisible to us.

• Reversible: this principle is the easiest to truly live up to, except in very specific edge cases – e.g. I’m unsure if it’s physiologically possible to prematurely end an orgasm. It should always be possible for your partner to communicate “I want to stop”, and for you to receive that communication. (There are occasional exceptions in particular types of hard kink – for a later post.)

• Informed: no one is clairvoyant. No one knows, before they actually do it, what a specific act will feel like in this time, in this place, with this person. If I consent to someone putting their fingers inside me, I cannot tell in advance if they will have a smooth, flowing, pleasurable action or if they will be jerky and rough and hurt me; it is impossible for me to provide truly informed consent. And how informed is informed? Do I need to know the precise failure rate of my contraception to give informed consent? How much detail do I need to know on the transmission rates of sexually transmitted infections for it to count as “informed”? While we can and should discuss with our partners the specific sex acts we want to perform with them and any associated risks, it’s important to remember that there is a limit to the degree of informed anyone can be.

• Enthusiastic: there have been numerous times when I have been nervous about sex because I felt ashamed of my body; I haven’t had sex for a while and I’m worried I’ve forgotten how; I was worried about someone overhearing; I’ve never done this sex act before. I think that my consent in all of these instances was valid, but I can’t say it was “enthusiastic”. Of course, if your partner seems at all reluctant or unsure then you should absolutely check in with them; and if they are clear that they do in fact want this (and they have capacity) then you should believe them.

• Specific: how specific does this need to be? If I say “you can touch my breasts”, do I mean both breasts, all over, or perhaps all of my right breast but only half my left breast? Does that include nipples? Is this a light touch, a firm grab, an aggressive kneading? And how much time does this consent last for – do I only want to be touched for a couple of minutes, or am I happy for you to spend a solid half an hour enjoying my breasts? We should be transparent with our partners about what we’re seeking, and ensure that everyone involved is seeking the same acts; but we should also be aware that perfect specificity is impossible.

Despite all of this, we shouldn’t abandon consent as a principle – obviously. But frameworks of consent like FRIES are beginner level stuff, useful guidelines for people who are just starting to understand the basic principles. In the advanced course they can be replaced with two deeper, underlying principles.

• Care about your partner’s wellbeing – roughly maps to “freely given” and “enthusiastic”
  This cannot be falsified or performed: it must be genuine. Even if you can’t care on an emotional level, at least care on a cognitive level. You must care if your partner seems reluctant to go through with an act, you must care if you’re aware that your partner has nowhere to sleep tonight apart from your bed, you must care if you know your partner is desperate to be a “good girlfriend”. Think about how your partner will feel when they look back on your time with you the next day, or week, or year, or decade. And if you’re not sure if they’ll feel good about it? Ask, and make sure you know and they know that their wellbeing comes above any sex act.

• Maintain continuous communication – roughly maps to “reversible”, “specific”, and “informed”
  Pay attention to your partner’s reactions, pause to check in if you need to, tell them what you want to do before you do it – “do you want another finger?”, “I really want to kiss all the way down your body”, “can I taste you?”. Dirty talk is negotiation, but don’t rely on words alone. Look out for hesitation, sudden stillness or quiet, a body angled in a way that avoids your touch. Those are your signs to pull back, stop, ask if they want a break or to bring it down a notch.

FRIES is a good aspiration, but an impossible one. These two principles help me get as close to that aspiration as possible.